Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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