I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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