My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
