I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
