I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
