I should be sponsored by Trojan
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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