I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
