getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
being pregnant is like rehab
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
