I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
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