Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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