I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
