I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
