you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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