my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just high enough for therapy.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
