This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
