I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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