I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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