Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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