I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
