I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
