I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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