jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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