i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
