OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
