no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i drank out of a bidet.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
