i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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