for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
