My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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