if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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