i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
