You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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