Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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