My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
