Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
