Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
