I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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