my phone needs a breathalizer
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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