I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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