I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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