I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I don't deserve a penis
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
