I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
