why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
