So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
