when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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