I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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