There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
