they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
