i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize