someone owes me an orgasm
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
