one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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