i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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