Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
